


It Is From Devastation

by mag_and_mac



Series: It Is From Devastation That These Happy Times Are Born [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Akuma, Akuma Possession, Anger, Angst, Depression, Gabriel Being Gabriel, Got the idea from my friend, Hawk Moth is Gabriel Agreste, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inspired by a similar idea to EnberLight's, Rage, SADrien, Sad, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, gabriel agreste is hawkmoth, i need a beta reader, i think she read it on tumblr, my poor children, sadrien angstgreste
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:46:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_and_mac/pseuds/mag_and_mac
Summary: Death is not the only farewell, but the most painful goodbyes are still those which were never said, and never explained.“When Ladybug purifies the akuma, she doesn’t really cleanse it.” His Kwami began, “She fills it with joy that counters the hate and suppresses it. It can still be used for darkness again, for anger will always remain.”“I-I’m not sure I entirely understand...”“When you purify the akuma, it’s actually purified. You don’t overshadow the evil, you take it away. You absorb all the darkness, and then the akuma is just another ordinary butterfly. It can no longer physically be used for evil. You take its ability to hate.”Adrien was silent for a moment, “S-so why don’t I purify all of them?”“Kid, I already told you. You absorb the darkness. Previous Chat Noirs have existed without Ladybug, and they’ve all become cruel and spiteful. That pain that the akuma victim was feeling is all expelled on to you. It doesn’t just vanish.”Or the one where Chat can also purify akuma, but becomes just like one in the process.





	1. The most painful goodbyes

“So,” Started Ladybug.

Chat raised an eyebrow and looked over at her, “So?”

“I’m going to be traveling to visit some family in a couple of days.”

“Cool!” Chat answered, “How long?”

“About two weeks.” Ladybug looked down at her hands, “What about akumas, though?”

Chat blinked.

“Uhh…,” He began, “I’m sure my kwami and I will figure something out.”

“Sounds great,” Marinette agreed, “Tell me if you can’t think of anything.”

"Absolutely, m'lady," He winked, "So, should we start patrol?"

-

Ladybug had only been gone for a grand total of twenty minutes before an akuma sprang up. Adrien was thankful the battle wasn’t very hard (A disgruntled worker whose lunch had been stolen. Was Hawkmoth even trying these days?), but then Adrien had to vault around half of Paris in pursuit of the butterfly. 

“Kid?” Came his Kwami’s distinctive grumble upon his return home.

Adrien raised a brow in response, not looking up from his clasped hands that held the akuma.

“There’s something I haven’t told you about your powers.”

At this, Adrien finally raised his head. “What?” He whispered, confused.

“You can ‘purify’ akumas, too.”

Adrien shot up from his chair, hands still firmly shut. “Great! Just tell me how!”

“There’s a reason I haven’t yet!” Came Plagg’s small, yet firm rasp.

Adrien allowed a brief look of confusion to tease his face. 

“When Ladybug purifies the akuma, she doesn’t really cleanse it.” His Kwami began, “She fills it with joy that counters the hate and suppresses it. It can still be used for darkness again, because anger will always remain.”

“I-I’m not sure I entirely understand...”

“When you purify the akuma, it’s actually purified. You don’t overshadow the evil, you take it away. You absorb all the darkness, and then the akuma is just another ordinary butterfly. It can no longer physically be used for evil. You take its ability to hate.”

Adrien was silent for a moment, “S-so why don’t I purify all of them?”

“Kid, I already told you. You absorb the darkness. Previous Chat Noirs have existed without Ladybug, and they’ve all become cruel and spiteful. That pain that the akuma victim was feeling is all expelled on to you. It doesn’t just vanish.”

“Ookaayy… But… Umm, the anger that comes from a stolen lunch shouldn’t hurt?”

“That’s what the butterfly miraculous does. It enhances emotions. If you were mildly inconvenienced, it will turn that into unbearable rage. If you’re a bit sad, it’ll become depression.”

“I… Um… I suppose one couldn’t hurt, right?” Adrien asked tentatively, “We don’t really have a choice...” He said, lifting his hands.

Plagg bit his small lip, before nodding slowly. “You have to use cataclysm, and crush the akuma against you. It’ll reemerge as a plain white butterfly.”

Adrien took a deep breath, mumbled some sort of agreement, and suited up. He called upon his destructive power as he removed one of his hands from the cup they were making, and used to other to push the butterfly against his chest.

A spiderweb of light erupted across his torso, and he stumbled back as the akuma’s feelings exploded inside of him. He was suddenly dizzy with anger towards both everything and nothing, and he could barely register the tears that were making their way down his cheeks. He moved one of his hands to his mouth to smother a tortured yell, as his rage evolved into sorrow. A strangled sob passed through his fingers, and he sunk to his knees, a cold depression creeping into his heart.

Whispers of self-blame, and self-hate echoed through his mind before the waves of emotions subsided to reveal a cold numbness, and he removed his hand from his chest, and watched the white butterfly disappear through his window. With a detachment to rival his father’s, he stood completely still as his transformation came down, and moved almost robotically to his desk to finish his homework.

“Adrien?” Called Plagg after a second, “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” Came Adrien’s clipped reply.

Plagg looked remorseful for a second before answering, “If you’re sure...”

-

There were two more akumas before Ladybug returned, and each one would leave Adrien angrier, sadder, _colder_.

-

Marinette had a bounce in her step as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop. She certainly loved her relatives, but she would be lying if she said she hadn’t missed Paris. She had missed the city air, and Alya, and even her stupid partner (not that she would ever tell him that). She truly was excited to see him. 

As the Eiffel Tower came into view, it was clear to Ladybug that her partner was already there, early as usual.

“Hey, Kitty Cat! Miss me?” She greeted as her feet came in to contact with the cool metal.

“Hello, Ladybug,” Came Chat’s newfound, everpresent monotone. Without bothering to turn to see her, he said, “So, I’ll patrol East, you get West?”

Ladybug blinked a couple of times, and her jaw moved as if she was trying to say something. “C-Chat?”

At this, he finally turned. Her shocked bluebell eyes met his stony green ones, though she swore she could see some sort of his usual happiness floating deep within them.

“Yes?” He sounded bored, “Are you going to stand there all night? I have homework. And close your mouth. You’ll catch flies.”

"I... Uhh... What?"

"Listen, Ladybug, I really don't have time for this. For you. Are you going to patrol, or not? If you're not going to be helpful, just go home, and I'll patrol myself." 

Ladybug swore that if he had real fur, it would be bristling with his uncharacteristic irritation.

"Uhh..."

"Fine," Chat rolled his eyes at Ladybug, and for the first time, it was not good-naturedly, "I'll do the patrol alone. God, why did you even bother coming out?"

She barely had time to blink before he was vaulting off of the platform. She stood staring after him with an open mouth, until she called off her transformation. She needed answers. 

“T-Tikki?”

“Yes, Marinette?”

“What was that?”

“You’ll have to explain what happened. You know I can’t tell what happens when you’re in costume.”

“C-Chat! He didn’t flirt with me! Or even make puns! Or say ‘Hello! I missed you for two weeks, m’lady!'. He was so mean, too?”

“Maybe he was having an off night?” Tikki suggested.

"Yeah...," Marinette trailed off, looking in to the distance that her dorky partner had disappeared into, entirely unconvinced.


	2. are those which were never said,

“No, I understand.” Came a deep voice. It sounded thick and strained, like the owner was trying to keep it together, but failing.

“I’m so sorry.” Came an equally sorrowful, yet feminine sound. “Friends?” It rang again.

“Of course.” The man replied, “Friends.”

There was a shuffle, and a click of a door that left the man alone.

“Just my luck,” Came his deep mumble, as he allowed the tears to fall, “Married a lesbian.”

It took just minutes for a flutter of wings to pass by his ears, and into the picture he clutched of himself and his ex-wife.

_Briseur De Coeur, I am Hawkmoth._

-

The main difference between Ladybug and Chat Noir was that Ladybug was selfish. Go to a statue unveiling dedicated to her, or steal a phone to delete an embarrassing voicemail? Obviously the second option. Chat Noir, on the other hand, was always so busy trying to save everyone else, that he took no time to think of himself.

It shined into their fighting styles, too. Ladybug fought to protect. To protect the citizens of Paris, and to protect the city itself. Chat Noir fought to save. He didn’t just save Paris, and its citizens. He also empathized with the akuma victim, something Ladybug found hard to do with something that was going on a destruction spree. Chat tried to figure out what got them so upset, and helped them try to feel better after the battle was over, comforting the poor victim, as Ladybug took care of the press. He saved the victim from a downwards spiral of embarrassment and despair, urging them to seek help.

Chat Noir never fought the victim. He taunted, and joked, and took the blows for Ladybug, and allowed her to figure out how to use her lucky charm. Ladybug fought. It was their perfect dynamic, and she was glad it was so balanced.

So, when Ladybug arrived at the fight, and saw Chat Noir standing next to an unconscious akuma victim, already holding what must have been the source object, and looking ready to break it, she was shocked. She was shocked, and _hurt_. What had happened to her partner during those two weeks?

“Chat?” She called.

He turned to look at her, and she saw a large gash on his forehead. “Finally decided to turn up? A bit late.” He snorted.

She ignored his sneer, “What happened to your head?”

“You would know if you’d been here, _Ms. Hero of Paris_.”

She shut her eyes, and chanted to herself that he was probably just having another bad day. “Can I at least purify the akuma?” She held out her hand.

“No need, Ladybug. Just go, and try to be helpful next time.”

“What do you mean no need!? You know what happens if we don-” She paused as he ripped the photograph, and quickly caught the butterfly in his hands.

He stared straight into her eyes, and mumbled, “Cataclysm.”

Ladybug stood frozen, as he pressed the butterfly into his chest, and screamed. She could barely register herself running to him, as he fell down weeping, but by the time she put a hand on his shoulder, he was emotionless.

“Chat, what was that? Are you okay?” She had a million questions in her head, but only voiced two.

Chat Noir was still on his knees, looking down, as he responded, “Just go, Ladybug.”

So, 'go' she did, after a moment of hesitation. She went to go do Chat’s old job of comforting the victim, seeing as he wouldn’t.

-

“And she just left me! She said she was a lesbian. And, I tried, _I tried_ not to get upset. I know she couldn’t control it. B-But,” He blubbered to the super-heroine, “You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone and barely know why.”

Ladybug responded with a wry smile as her gaze flicked over to where Chat had knelt only minutes before. “You’d be surprised, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really short, but I'll update soon, 'Kay? :D


	3. and never explained.

“Tikki?” Marinette asked the moment her transformation dropped.

Tikki looked at her in response, silently asking her to elaborate.

“Chat… He purified the akuma? I think? I mean, he cataclysmed it? And it turned white?”

Tikki’s already abnormally large eyes widened. “He did what?” She breathed.

Marinette knitted her eyebrows at her Kwami’s response. “I think he purified the akuma?”

The small goddess opened her mouth, eyes filled with shock, but closed it as they heard a sob come from outside. The pair looked at each other for a second, until Marinette decided to check the window.

-

Like all emotions, the anger subsided, paving way for other ones to settle.

Adrien knew his father was not the best, but he considered himself thankful. He knew his father was the head of a massive company and was dealing with the loss of his soulmate. He loved his son through his wallet and, while Adrien didn’t like it terribly much, said child was thankful that he had any love at all.

But not anymore.

No, now all his irritation at his father turned into pure bitterness.

All his longing for his amazing mother? Sorrow.

He could feel himself sinking into a depression at rapid speeds, but he did nothing to stop it.

And, as his ring beeped, he found the thought of his house _sickening_. He decided, instead, to recharge Plagg and run on the rooftops a bit more.

But he couldn’t, _he couldn’t_ if he tried. He was _tired_. He wanted to sleep and never wake up, because _what was the point?_

He stopped running, trading the wind in his hair for a roof to lay upon. If anyone were to ask him when he started crying, memories of his mother’s gentle touches echoing through his mind, he would say he didn’t know.

But, if anyone were to ask him when he started _sobbing_ , thoughts of a partner he’d lately been so vicious to, and a cold, distant father who probably didn’t know he hadn’t been at home for hours in his head, he would be able to pinpoint the exact moment.

Just before Marinette Dupain-Cheng opened her window.

-

“Hello?” Marinette called into the air, “Is anyone hurt?”

The cat froze and looked around for a hiding spot. He cursed all of Plagg’s bad luck, because it just happened to be that the roof was barren.

He cringed, knowing he had been caught, so he stood up and called, “I-I’m fine.”

“Chat Noir?” Marinette finally saw him, “You don’t look fine. Are you sure you’re okay?”

She reminded him of his mother.

“I-” He started, “I- I don’t-” He started crying again, “I don’t know...? I don’t know. _I don’t… _”__

__Marinette’s gaze softened, and she moved aside to give the hero some room to jump into her room, after saying, “Come here.”_ _

__Chat Noir, lacking the energy to argue, did as she instructed. Dropping in through her window, he collapsed against her, and started weeping into her shoulder. He didn’t know Marinette very well, but something about her made him feel safe._ _

__“I’m d-doing this f-for her…” He sniffed after a moment._ _

__“What?”_ _

__Chat took a deep breath to calm himself down and moved from her hug to sit on the floor._ _

__“I’ve been so cruel. To her, to Plagg,” Marinette urged him to continue, and assumed ‘Plagg’ must have been his Kwami. “I-I’ve been so mean.”_ _

__“Why, Chat?”_ _

__“I’m turning into my father.” Chat suddenly realized. “ _God_ , I’m becoming my father.”_ _

__Marinette had no idea what his home life was like and was shocked to find that such a normally sweet boy wouldn’t have a loving family. She put a hand on his shoulder to silently console him._ _

__“I told you, I’m doing this for her. For you. For Paris.”_ _

__“What are you doing?” She whispered._ _

__The superhero finally cast his green eyes up to meet hers. His lip trembled as he spoke, “H-Hawkmoth, he uses a very specific type of butterfly. They’re magic, and he only has so many.”_ _

__The designer knitted her eyebrows._ _

__“Ladybug left on a trip recently, and while she was gone my Kwami told me that I can purify akumas, too.”_ _

__She tilted her head._ _

__“T-the only problem is that when I purify them, I absorb all of the emotions that the akuma v-victim was feeling. So, I feel that, and I can’t control it, and I _hate_ it.”_ _

__“Then why do you do it?” She asked gently._ _

__Chat looked at her for a second, a bit of warmth in his gaze that gave Marinette hope that her partner was not entirely gone._ _

__“When I do it, the akuma can no longer be used for evil. It can’t be filled with negative energy anymore. I’m stopping H-Hawkmoth one akuma a-at a time.”_ _

__Marinette stared at the boy in front of her, appalled. He was truly the kindest person she’d ever met; Even when he was depressed and malicious, he did it with the most selfless intentions._ _

__“Kitty, you don’t have to do this to yourself.” She breathed._ _

__He looked up and let out a small, hollow laugh. Marinette quickly decided she never wanted to hear that kind of empty sound out of her partner again. “Of course, I do.” He whispered, “If I don’t, who knows how many more people will get hurt before Ladybug and I figure out who he is?”_ _

__“You and I- uh, Ladybug will stand a better chance if you’re your usual self.”_ _

__“No.” He answered immediately, “No, I can’t. This way of fighting? Indirectly? It’s safer for everyone. For Ladybug. I c-can’t,” He was crying again, “I can’t let her get hurt, _I can’t_. She’s all I h-have left. P-Please...”_ _

__“Oh, Chat…” She muttered, moving forward to hug him once more._ _

__“Please, I c-can’t lose her.”_ _

__“B-but you’re losing yourself.” She whispered against him._ _

__He let out another sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m _sorry_ , I swear.”_ _

__“It’s going to be fine, you’re okay.” She choked out, “It’s going to be fine.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip


	4. And, it is from devastation

Marinette didn’t allow Chat to go home after his emotional breakdown, unable to trust him to use his stick with his shaky legs.

They had spent the last hour in silence, and every second had Marinette more frustrated with the entire situation, because why, just why did the most kind and happy boy she knew have to do this to himself?

“I just don’t see why you have to do this.” Marinette sat up after a while of silence.

Chat hummed in confusion.

“I mean, Ladybug’s cure fixes everything. Nobody is getting hurt, you and Ladybug have time to figure out a better way to stop Hawkmoth.” She began, frustration seeping into her every word.

“Marinette…,” He called.

“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself when you have time!”

“Marinette.”

“I mean, akuma attacks aren’t great, but there’s no actual threat right now.” She bit out, angry tears teasing the corners of her eyes.

" _God, Mari! Will you just listen?_ I can’t wait!” He raised his voice to its normal volume, but with all of the whispering he’d been doing lately, it sounded like a yell.

“But why not!?” she snapped.

“...I-” He hesitated.

“Exactly.” She latched on, “You have no reason! You and Ladybug can just-”

_“Hawkmoth is my father!”_

Marinette paled as she blinked slowly. Her voice was breathy as she sputtered out, “W-What?”

“I- I didn’t mean- I-,” He stopped bothering to force out a sentence, instead getting up to run out of the window. He paused when he felt a small hand come to rest on his shoulder, and he turned to see the owner.

“I…,” His voice was thick because of the knot in his throat.

“Chat…,” She tried softly. “What’s going on?”

He slumped back down to the floor, and she saw his shoulders begin to shake.

“It’s true.” He sobbed, “He’s my father.”

“Kitty,” Marinette breathed.

“I’ve known for weeks. I-I was in his office trying to find a pencil so I could do my homework, and he came in, and I’m not allowed in his office, see? So I hid.”

He was interrupted by a tentative hug.

“I… uhh… Saw him transform.”

“God, Chat.” Her heart hurt for him, and she couldn’t imagine how devastated he must’ve been, “Why didn’t you tell M- Uh- Ladybug?”

“I couldn’t!” He spat immediately, before carrying on in a whisper, “I couldn’t. I was so w-weak. I’ve had it on the tip of my tongue since it happened, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t make it real.”

“Hey,” She called gently, “Look at me.” She softly lifted his head up by his chin.

“We’ll fix this, okay? I promise.”

She got no answer.

She bit her lip. “I _purr_ omise.” She tried.

And finally, _finally_ she got him to crack a small smile.


End file.
